d i s a s t e r : p i e c e

Okay so maybe the blog everyday thing isn't working out :P Meeeh, I knew I wouldn't be able to spare enough time to do so seeing as I've got a fully booked schedule ^__^ I don't really know why but I feel so..forgiven lately, I'm wishing everyone loads of happiness and bliss, even those who have hurt me :D It's absolutely great, makes me get a better perspective of how things have been and should be ^^ I mean obviously I didn't want any of this to end up this way, but what can we do right? :) As long as you're happy I'm happy! Don't think I have anything special to say, went to IHGR today due to CAS and spoke in front of all the teenie weenie 12-years olds (were we really that cute too!?) about stuff. Very professional actually, I forgot how young you really are at that age and was expecting gangster type kids who'd swallow me whole or get me to cry in front of them.
Anywhoo school has never been more fun! :D and friends are fun! Especially great friends like Thomas, Erick, Maria and Anita! I should mention Shrek too xD
Things are settling out quite nicely, if only Erick would stop insisting that I should go out with Thomas now. He thinks it would be really nice if we got together and surprisingly enough Anita agrees. It's really weird but I've never thought about anything like this and the fact that others think that we should get together cause it'd be convenient is quite disturbing xD Somehow I don't think I've heard the last of this but we'll see what happens =P Something is already cooking between the two mentioned above as it is, despite how much Erick denies it.
And some other good news; Poriya is coming to GBG, when he does not know, but he needs to find a hotel so he can stay over the weekend so more update on that later. Speaking of the man, he put me on the phone with one of his "Paki" friends who turned out to be quite charming, at least until he started asking me how long I lived in england :P I do not have an english accent! I have no accent at all xD Weeell, speaking hindi with someone else after like for ever was fun, I kept switching back to english though, don't feel to comfortable with Hindi unfortunately =)

I miss Neeraj. I haven't spoken to him in forever it seems and our contact on MSN has even ceased to exist. Mostly I worry about how he's doing because of his grandma and I know how hard this all is on him. He just has to be the type that goes on smiling and hiding his own pain to make sure others around him can keep their strength, even though on the inside his heart might be breaking, just as I had witnessed for myself in NY..I don't want him to be hurting, but I can't even do anything about it now..

Remindertoself: Buy Powerking for Staffan and Ludvig.


http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=MensHealth&channel=sex.relationships&category=couples&conitem=99ea419f231f4110VgnVCM20000012281eac____&cm_mmc=Yahoo%20Blog-_-Does%20a%20Wandering%20Eye%20Mean%20a%20Wandering%20Heart-_-Article-_-Your%20Honey%20or%20Your%20Wife
this article is <3

Today has been a pretty stressful day seeing as I let all my homework until the last day and it had really piled up :P Anywhoo I'm done with most of the work, just need to do Chem. lab and then it's done. Started reading Glasfåglarna on Friday evening and finished it a couple hours ago and made notes for Swedish presentation. I am really getting on top of things.

I had a really weird conspiracy theory around Neeraj. I'm not even gnna mention it cause it's so stupid but it really shows how little I trust people now..
But enough about that, I'm gonna live! (my new mantra ^___^ Why? Cause everytime I got that big-hole-in-my-soul kinda feeling and I felt like dying I'd say that over and over again and it made me feel better.)

So there you going, nothing new happened today, other than me buying an entire box full of powerking for 84 kr (thank god for grossist priser!) My mother is addicted to Redbull but since that cost 240 kr I bought powerking which to me has a stronger edge to it ^^
Another interesting thing that has happened today is that Joe (Johannes) started talking to me again and after a few hours of friendly chat asked me if I would like to go catch a movie with him someday. In a very this-is-a-date-thing-manner. And me being me needed to clear out the air and asked him straight out if he meant as a date or a friend thing and he said "how about a bit of both?" ..I don't really feel like going but I dunno, maybe it'll make me feel better? I seriously just want to lie in my bed until Christmas and jump on a plane to India. I have to make it clear to him that I'm not interested in anything to do with relationships. So now I'm sitting here trying to select a movie and wishing things hadn't turned out this way.

But as a human I have no power to change things in a deeper cosmological sense, I can simply hope and have faith in life.

I don't want to be all mopey anymore but it's pretty hard not to, I mean after everything that happened I really need my own time to grieve in whatever way I choose to. Yes, if this includes getting piercings I will do it.. What's the point of acting like you care about this now? If you did things wouldn't be this way. And yes I get it, you want to blame everything that happened on me. Sure thing, I'll take that blame, if it makes you feel better, then at least one of us is satisfied.

Anyway right after everything that happened between Neeraj and me I spoke to Thomas and he had a pretty different outlook on the whole thing than I did, he basically blamed me for starting the relationship and the end of it too.

Thomas: typical women
[Aarti <3]: OH!
[Aarti <3]: so now it's the fact that I'm a woman that is the problem?
Thomas: no i meant that your attitude sucks ass!
Thomas: how could nothing be your fault!
Thomas: your teh fcukin one who accepted to go out wif him in teh fucking FIRST PLACE!
Thomas: u cant just say everything is HIS fault because HE decided to take a break
[Aarti <3]: YES IT IS!
[Aarti <3]: if i had done something wrong in the relationship then it'd be my fault
[Aarti <3]: but i didn't!
Thomas: u didnt???!
Thomas: do u know what he's taking a break??
Thomas: BECAUSE OF YOU!
Thomas: are u dumb??!?
Thomas: he isnt taking a break because he has a cold
[Aarti <3]: how is it my fault!?!?!?!

hehe, and afterwards he started bitching about how it's probably a good thing it ended cause I really need to improve my grades. As a friend, I truly appreciate what he told me and the fact that he cares was really surprising cause he always seems to uninterested in feelings.

And here's a part where I kick his ass :D

Thomas: you have to study
Thomas: fuck the phone
Thomas: u do more talkin then doing
Thomas: do instead of tellin me
[Aarti <3]: Thomas, I know you want to have sex that badly, but I really don't
Thomas: you not what, for sm gay reason im speechless
Thomas: i have nothin to counter that
Thomas: shit
Thomas: uhh..

Taaaa-daaa! :D Oh yes, thanks Maria, Anita, Mike and Poriya for talking things through with me. And a big kiss to Thomas!
***

I thought about this a lot and now I know; I want to be a optimistic realist. I mean, I don't want to have a cynical view on life after all this shit, but neither do I wanna be all optimistic and act like there's no pain in the world. So the in between would be a optimistic realist, 'cause then you are happy about life, BUT keep a slightly realistic outlook on the world around you right? However to me this creates the bittersweet paradox. Both these words contradict each other don't they, aren't they opposites almost?

Anyway a couple of updates;

~Mike is coming to GBG on Tuesday for a job interview and I'm gonna see if I can get him to stick around long enough to meet me. I haven't seen him since the one time I saw him at the concert on Frihamns piren in 2004 so yes..it's about time we met.

~I have recently rejuvenated my friendship with Poriya (Remember the guy who went in our class during the last year for like 3...weeks? o_O) anyway, he has really changed xD Matured for the sake of humanity. Turns out we both have the same subjects for IB (although he was HL hist while I have chem but meh.)

~Just found out that Erick STILL thinks I'm together with Rich. Get over it already dude.

~Being single after like 2 years feels really weird. I don't really like it so far, I was so comfortable in having someone close to me and now I feel like a tree that's been ripped out of the ground by it's roots..
I Don't think I'm gonna be doing any serious dating for a while, seeing as my trust in other people has been hurt significantly. I just want to forget about everything..


Um, well this turned out to be longer than I intended it to be. I'm going to try to start blogging daily, I always kept everything inside of myself and that really makes things worse so for the sake of my own sanity I will let it out in words.