d i s a s t e r : p i e c e

Today was..pretty much GREATOS :D
I got to be with Thomas for most of the day (Sadly enough not all of it) and he had this great idea to go up the "mountains" nearby his house and it was very, very nice. I think I got pretty into it by the end and was actually enjoying running down the hill as though I was a child again, I haven't been out climbing any "mountains" since I moved to this house since the path is very boring here. The view from the summit was just terrific and being up there with him was wonderful. IF Thomas doesn't end up becoming a diplomat like he has planned to I totally think he should be a guide :P
Thomas has really surprised me lately.. he continually seemed to be a very closed up person and I always felt like he gave me a wide berth but now.. he couldn't be more open =)
Oh, and I was sort off forced to go to his house by him for a few minutes but that was nice too despite my hesitation. I liked their dog very muchos along with his sister who is really cute =) He has a very sweet family and I don't think he realizes what he really has :p but then again, not many do.

Anyway, well at home I can't remember what I did for the first few hours but around 9 I went to the living room and found a card sent by Arunika (My cousin) and Vishesh (Her hubby) along with their Wedding movie they made in NY (About freakin' time btw, the wedding took place in August!) :D So lo and behold I put the disc on and my dad, along with me and my sister sit down to watch the events unfold and Oh GOD it was so embarrassing!
I can't believe I was dancing, along with wearing make-up and had my hair up in curls!
And then of course there's this wonderful scene while people were eating starters and you see me drinking something out of a glass and my sister just HAD TO point out that "Everyone was drinking alcohol, like Malibu with coke! Even Aarti! Don't try and look so innocent!"...
I'm just lucky my dad didn't react much to that, he'll probably tell my mom though which is gonna be a pain to explain.
Haha, there's also this one scene where I'm dancing with someone and Neeraj is behind me and he's dancing but then he suddenly stops and you see him checking me out in such an obvious manner I started blushing instantly, thank god my dad made no comments on that either xD

I can't really summarize the entire 2 hour+ long movie here so I'm gonna go and shower now while I think about everything that happened way over seas. Reminiscing is always nice when the memories are just full of happiness isn't it? ^___^
I hope Thomas will actually be online tonight. Ever since he had the "incident" with his mom I always assume he's gone to bed at this time which is why I'm always shocked to find him on MSN :P
Off to hit the showers! CHEERIOS!

Changed my layout, it's more colorful and "cute" compared to all the others I've had but I love it, except for the fact that I can't seem to get rid of the tags and page summary. I can live with that though.

Today has been...different seeing as Erick wasn't present in School and Thomas seemed to enjoy his new found liberty :P I don't really have much to write..which is actually a good thing because usually when I blog I really need to vent and that means something big and/or bad has happened. And obviously atm is hasn't. For once I'm gonna go and take an early shower and then just crawl into bed with my remote control, mobile phone, mp3 player and a good book. And yes those things can be found lying in my bed at any given time embarrassingly enough but whatever :D Anyhow, cheerios!

I for once dare to disagree with something you say and I get a straightforward "fuck you" back? Really Erick, this is a new low. Fuck you right back then...

Aarti is happy ~~ Well. Sorta. Along with stressed of course.



btw, 2 months left no longer brings forth a joyous longing but also a lot of dread.

"Nothing captures human interest like human tragedy"
Couldn't be any more true now could? Drama and conflict although not surely desirable are most intriguing.
Some people end texts with a quote but I'll just start with one as I don't really have much to write about, I sorta need to get some things off my heart at the moment but writing an open post concerning my pondering somehow just doesn't seem like a good idea so I'll just write this meaningless post and entertain myself for a while.

I should be happy, I have everything a girl could want yet I just get confused, I think too much about too insignificant things and it hurts only me but I can't do anything about it to stop. Is there any way to get your brain to stop being so logical all the time? No, I didn't think so either.
Whatever. I'll be fine, 1 year and so and I can start over so it's no biggy~~

Anywhoo, I'm more worried about the well-being of Bishu who has really started ruining his life by not going to college and drinking alcohol DAILY. I feel so pissed off at Priyanka for treating him this way when she knows that he'd break his back trying to get her the things she wants. I have to call him someday to make sure he is fine and get him to go to India during the summer somehow because living in America all alone is obviously not doing it for him. And on the other hand after 6-7 years of friendship I'd love to meet him..

Speaking of summer, Aarti has her 18th B'day in exactly 2 months. Oooh we'll have a good time then.
..and that's where I run out of steam. I really need to post a private entry sometime soon but I'm just too tired atm.

Btw....

Another week of school has gone by and the end of term along with the end of year exams are approaching at a rapid speed, I fear yet look forward to letting time fly by me and somehow bring it to a stop when I'm in India again.

This week...has been very unusual, the changes mentioned in Aarti's previous entry did that place and the transition shall we say wasn't very smooth for everyone.
And what about Aarti? Well.. She's slowly getting used to my new environment and slightly enjoying it but we'll see, I'm still having problems with the actual "make this serious" part since I can't let it to be serious when I know that all relationships end so why hurt myself by going there?
In all my past relationships it took me a lot of time to adjust and settle in but when I did I had little intention of making changes and really did believe that it could last forever, like the naive fool I was. I'd love to say that hey, I'm just taking one step at a time this time around but I know that eventually I will fall for this guy and it'll hurt so much when it ends and it's tedious having your heart get broken over and over again when there isn't really much your asking for.

It's really sad..I used to be such a hopelessly positive romantic and don't get me wrong, I still do believe in love, but the tendency to think that it will last forever is slowly diminishing. But I'm not gonna let that get me down, shit happens every day right?

Oh and it's Thomas' birthday next week! I had such a great plan for his b'day but it sorta came to my attention that it would be REALLY mean and he'd probably never talk to me again and/or cry. So Aarti needs to find a great gift for the man by the end of this weekend (Isn't this talking in 3rd person thing getting creepy?) I need to call Erick!

I'm just gonna let my thoughts go and hope for the best regarding all of these things now because maybe that's what my real problem is.

Aarti is worried and slightly star-crossed at the moment. With time on the essence she will not write a huge chunk of text that is the detailed recollection of her day but instead keep it short for once.

Yes, I am totally addicted to the Cheers theme song, and it makes me miss Joey and Friends painfully much. Btw, is it just me or are the theme songs for both show very much alike?
TV sucks ass without all my regular shows on, and even Law and Order SUV which aired at 01:30 on weekdays has been removed from it's slot. Mean, so mean.

Anyhoodles, I had a moderately exciting Easter. I was working down at the Restaurant when this huge Scottish family shows up from nowhere and are poking and sniffing around the whole place (literally mind you) and it ended with them sitting there for a few hours. James, the father (and uncle to many of them) is a acquaintance of my mothers so she wasn't very shocked by this scenario. I was however as I was being harassed by his kids. 3 of them ganged up on me and demanded to know my number, and I was honest, they WERE too young for me. I mean c'mon. Who are you trying to fool? You don't look 19 to me, 15 at most. Anywho, they entered the kitchen where there father was talking to my mom and when I made my way to the back room all of them entered too and CLOSED THE DOOR BEHIND THEM! Admittedly Johnny (the one who liked me and was really the one who wanted my number) only kept bugging to get my number but it's scary all the same >> and when my sister tried to get me out of the situation they shut the door in her face saying that "we needed privacy" -.- Aargh, kids. Later on when I refused to exchange numbers they told her that I kissed all of them. With tongues. So very mature. Oh and Johnny even managed to brandish a false ID to try and prove that he was 19 xD Though his cute cousin ratted him out in the end =P

And Aarti met a cute guy! =) Or well. met and met, he's pretty much my neighbor and goes to the same school so we've met before but never like this and under those circumstances (With a big nasty creep following me around in town and asking me to come to his house to have sex. Thanks, but no thanks (Y)) and since I was scared (Thomas was trying to assist me over the phone but I really need manpower xD) I went up to Niklas and introduced myself and my situation and he was great, making sure the guy kept his distance and trying to keep my mind off him. It all ended well with Niklas walking me home and hugging me (which is hard since he's awfully tall) after which we exchanged MSN addresses ~~ and later on the same night he asked if I'd like to go out again some time at which point I sorta blew him off. I know, you're probably wondering what's wrong with me.
I don't really know, all I know is that I keep blowing off offers from guys. I'm just scared of getting hurt in a relationship again, and I don't have enough energy to deal seeing as my past ones were so hazardous and left me in a state of emotional mess. I just want things to be normal..whatever that would be.

Now, that I've run out of steam and can't think of anything else to write of I want to thank Di very, very, very much for helping me and sitting up with me a whole evening trying to come up with solutions to our problems. I doubt you'll get to read this, but if you do I truly appreciate everything you do and have done for me.


3 more days until Ricker is back ^^ And until school the perfect niche of hell starts.

And becuase these take up a lot of space I put them behinds these cuts, clicketh for more details :D
( Lyrics to Cheers theme song )

( Lyrics to Friends theme song; The rembrandts - I'll be there for you )
I love them! Though of course I do love Friends more than Cheers. Cheers is just weeeeird.
And look how nice I am, I'm adding the link to the video for the Friends theme song where the cast of Friends is with too!

( Friends theme song vid. )

Okay, so I realized I haven't written anything for the past uh..17 weeks or so as Thomas kindly made me realize but I didn't have anything important or so to write about as it was.

Life is running smoothly at last it seems and I am a lot happier now than I was a year ago.
It seems that everything that created bumps here and there may not be completely gone but make less difference now.
I am in love with everything that I have around me as it all just radiates positive energy, most likely because of the summery tint everything seems to reflect now that spring is near..

There are only subtle changes in my life, friends as one aspect, have had a major face lift due to something that happened a while ago, bringing me a lot closer to Erick and Di giving me more insight on what they are really like. All this time that I spent with them, I was never really *with* them as I hung out mainly with Thomas though now the tables have changed. It may seem irksome at times but it works out, and I know well how Erick feels about this so I am sort of obligated to keep it up, though I do love him very much as a friend and have little intention of changing the circumstances that have been created now. It's a long, long story and that fact that I know it is enough without me having to recite it on LJ.

There's not a lot more to tell, other than that summer is very much awaited as I have two tickets out of this country due 3 months from now =D I love this place, but I really need to get away if Erick is moving because I'd rather be the one who leaves this time than have someone else leave me. A well thought strategy I have adopted thanks again to Thomas who seems to think along similar lines though seemed pissed when I spoke to him about my plans. Whatever.
And also, summer school at Boston Uni. seems like a likelihood now, haha, is it that obvious how much I don't want to stay in Sweden? I'm not good at saying goodbye and I hate when things end so just no.. He'll hate me for it but it would make things a lot more simpler this way.
Really, where did the young optimistic "we'll-stay-in-touch-forever-no-matter-what-happens" Aarti go? Experiences from bad relationships has taught me a thing or two and I am no longer a sucker for those idealistic thoughts, clearly that never works out. Unfortunately I am still a hopeless romantic. Old habits die hard I guess.

Anyway, I didn't have anything at all sensible to write and will now stop rambling.
lots of Love.

Okay so maybe the blog everyday thing isn't working out :P Meeeh, I knew I wouldn't be able to spare enough time to do so seeing as I've got a fully booked schedule ^__^ I don't really know why but I feel so..forgiven lately, I'm wishing everyone loads of happiness and bliss, even those who have hurt me :D It's absolutely great, makes me get a better perspective of how things have been and should be ^^ I mean obviously I didn't want any of this to end up this way, but what can we do right? :) As long as you're happy I'm happy! Don't think I have anything special to say, went to IHGR today due to CAS and spoke in front of all the teenie weenie 12-years olds (were we really that cute too!?) about stuff. Very professional actually, I forgot how young you really are at that age and was expecting gangster type kids who'd swallow me whole or get me to cry in front of them.
Anywhoo school has never been more fun! :D and friends are fun! Especially great friends like Thomas, Erick, Maria and Anita! I should mention Shrek too xD
Things are settling out quite nicely, if only Erick would stop insisting that I should go out with Thomas now. He thinks it would be really nice if we got together and surprisingly enough Anita agrees. It's really weird but I've never thought about anything like this and the fact that others think that we should get together cause it'd be convenient is quite disturbing xD Somehow I don't think I've heard the last of this but we'll see what happens =P Something is already cooking between the two mentioned above as it is, despite how much Erick denies it.
And some other good news; Poriya is coming to GBG, when he does not know, but he needs to find a hotel so he can stay over the weekend so more update on that later. Speaking of the man, he put me on the phone with one of his "Paki" friends who turned out to be quite charming, at least until he started asking me how long I lived in england :P I do not have an english accent! I have no accent at all xD Weeell, speaking hindi with someone else after like for ever was fun, I kept switching back to english though, don't feel to comfortable with Hindi unfortunately =)

I miss Neeraj. I haven't spoken to him in forever it seems and our contact on MSN has even ceased to exist. Mostly I worry about how he's doing because of his grandma and I know how hard this all is on him. He just has to be the type that goes on smiling and hiding his own pain to make sure others around him can keep their strength, even though on the inside his heart might be breaking, just as I had witnessed for myself in NY..I don't want him to be hurting, but I can't even do anything about it now..

Remindertoself: Buy Powerking for Staffan and Ludvig.


http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=MensHealth&channel=sex.relationships&category=couples&conitem=99ea419f231f4110VgnVCM20000012281eac____&cm_mmc=Yahoo%20Blog-_-Does%20a%20Wandering%20Eye%20Mean%20a%20Wandering%20Heart-_-Article-_-Your%20Honey%20or%20Your%20Wife
this article is <3

Today has been a pretty stressful day seeing as I let all my homework until the last day and it had really piled up :P Anywhoo I'm done with most of the work, just need to do Chem. lab and then it's done. Started reading Glasfåglarna on Friday evening and finished it a couple hours ago and made notes for Swedish presentation. I am really getting on top of things.

I had a really weird conspiracy theory around Neeraj. I'm not even gnna mention it cause it's so stupid but it really shows how little I trust people now..
But enough about that, I'm gonna live! (my new mantra ^___^ Why? Cause everytime I got that big-hole-in-my-soul kinda feeling and I felt like dying I'd say that over and over again and it made me feel better.)

So there you going, nothing new happened today, other than me buying an entire box full of powerking for 84 kr (thank god for grossist priser!) My mother is addicted to Redbull but since that cost 240 kr I bought powerking which to me has a stronger edge to it ^^
Another interesting thing that has happened today is that Joe (Johannes) started talking to me again and after a few hours of friendly chat asked me if I would like to go catch a movie with him someday. In a very this-is-a-date-thing-manner. And me being me needed to clear out the air and asked him straight out if he meant as a date or a friend thing and he said "how about a bit of both?" ..I don't really feel like going but I dunno, maybe it'll make me feel better? I seriously just want to lie in my bed until Christmas and jump on a plane to India. I have to make it clear to him that I'm not interested in anything to do with relationships. So now I'm sitting here trying to select a movie and wishing things hadn't turned out this way.

But as a human I have no power to change things in a deeper cosmological sense, I can simply hope and have faith in life.

As promised, I am writing again today. However seeing as I've been out all day and just got home I am too exhausted to be writing much, despite wanting to.

Actually, seeing as I went to bed a 4:30 last night (couldn't sleep) and woke up at 9 I should be going to bed directly. But as per usual now I'm all hyper thanks to redbull.
Aarti has returned to her devious way, no sleep, no food and a life consisting of energy drinks. Who knew after all this everything had still end up being this way?

Anyway..I'll just leave now. Sitting on the computer or namely, MSN just agonizes me too much nowadays so I try to limit that which I guess is good too in it's own way... but still. Sometimes I just wanna say "fuck it" and do something about it but I'm tired, tired of crying and hurting so I dunno, I'll leave it all up to him. He chooses what he wants, that way at least one of us will be happy.

Loving a person who doesn't love you back hurts a fucking lot. </3 ='(

I don't want to be all mopey anymore but it's pretty hard not to, I mean after everything that happened I really need my own time to grieve in whatever way I choose to. Yes, if this includes getting piercings I will do it.. What's the point of acting like you care about this now? If you did things wouldn't be this way. And yes I get it, you want to blame everything that happened on me. Sure thing, I'll take that blame, if it makes you feel better, then at least one of us is satisfied.

Anyway right after everything that happened between Neeraj and me I spoke to Thomas and he had a pretty different outlook on the whole thing than I did, he basically blamed me for starting the relationship and the end of it too.

Thomas: typical women
[Aarti <3]: OH!
[Aarti <3]: so now it's the fact that I'm a woman that is the problem?
Thomas: no i meant that your attitude sucks ass!
Thomas: how could nothing be your fault!
Thomas: your teh fcukin one who accepted to go out wif him in teh fucking FIRST PLACE!
Thomas: u cant just say everything is HIS fault because HE decided to take a break
[Aarti <3]: YES IT IS!
[Aarti <3]: if i had done something wrong in the relationship then it'd be my fault
[Aarti <3]: but i didn't!
Thomas: u didnt???!
Thomas: do u know what he's taking a break??
Thomas: BECAUSE OF YOU!
Thomas: are u dumb??!?
Thomas: he isnt taking a break because he has a cold
[Aarti <3]: how is it my fault!?!?!?!

hehe, and afterwards he started bitching about how it's probably a good thing it ended cause I really need to improve my grades. As a friend, I truly appreciate what he told me and the fact that he cares was really surprising cause he always seems to uninterested in feelings.

And here's a part where I kick his ass :D

Thomas: you have to study
Thomas: fuck the phone
Thomas: u do more talkin then doing
Thomas: do instead of tellin me
[Aarti <3]: Thomas, I know you want to have sex that badly, but I really don't
Thomas: you not what, for sm gay reason im speechless
Thomas: i have nothin to counter that
Thomas: shit
Thomas: uhh..

Taaaa-daaa! :D Oh yes, thanks Maria, Anita, Mike and Poriya for talking things through with me. And a big kiss to Thomas!
***

I thought about this a lot and now I know; I want to be a optimistic realist. I mean, I don't want to have a cynical view on life after all this shit, but neither do I wanna be all optimistic and act like there's no pain in the world. So the in between would be a optimistic realist, 'cause then you are happy about life, BUT keep a slightly realistic outlook on the world around you right? However to me this creates the bittersweet paradox. Both these words contradict each other don't they, aren't they opposites almost?

Anyway a couple of updates;

~Mike is coming to GBG on Tuesday for a job interview and I'm gonna see if I can get him to stick around long enough to meet me. I haven't seen him since the one time I saw him at the concert on Frihamns piren in 2004 so yes..it's about time we met.

~I have recently rejuvenated my friendship with Poriya (Remember the guy who went in our class during the last year for like 3...weeks? o_O) anyway, he has really changed xD Matured for the sake of humanity. Turns out we both have the same subjects for IB (although he was HL hist while I have chem but meh.)

~Just found out that Erick STILL thinks I'm together with Rich. Get over it already dude.

~Being single after like 2 years feels really weird. I don't really like it so far, I was so comfortable in having someone close to me and now I feel like a tree that's been ripped out of the ground by it's roots..
I Don't think I'm gonna be doing any serious dating for a while, seeing as my trust in other people has been hurt significantly. I just want to forget about everything..


Um, well this turned out to be longer than I intended it to be. I'm going to try to start blogging daily, I always kept everything inside of myself and that really makes things worse so for the sake of my own sanity I will let it out in words.

There, are all of you satisfied now? I'm finally down on my knee.
Does that please you? Does it put a smile on your face?
First down round I shed tears but bounced right back up on my feet and started over, but now, this is too much. During the summer I lost three very significant things but gained another that gave me the support I needed to keep going strong. Now that this support is gone there is nothing to prevent me from breaking down.
But to you this means nothing right? You're just happy that you managed to make me admit defeat.

Rule 1: if you open this you gotta take it
Rule 2: you are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING, unless someone messages you and asks.
Rule 3: T F, only answer True or False.

( Meme )

Yes, so I haven't posted anything on LJ for god knows how long ^^; I apologize for the long absence but I had my reasons. When ever I thought of a suitable entry I could never quite seem to summon up enough energy to finish it =P There, I said it xD

This time the case is a bit different, as I have spent the past 5 days at the hospital I've had nothing but rest and not-wasting-energy to do. The fact that I felt nauseous and dizzy every time I left my bed also contributed to this.

So, time for some story-telling. I woke up on Saturday morning feeling slightly cold, which I blamed my father for, since he keeps playing with the darn heaters >> Anyway, later on during the afternoon, while I was all alone and talking to Richie, I started feeling worse and checked my temp with I think was 38ish something. Long story short, after that my temperature just kept on rising and rising and then would suddenly go down again, yo-yoing between 38 and 42 all the time.

If you've read my LJ entries you will notice that I've been sick a few times the past months, because of this and the stubbornness of my current illness we drove down to the local free clinic on Monday morning where we were sent us from one nurse to another doctor until finally after a few tests a doctor told us that we needed to head up to Drottning Silvia Sjukhuset (A.k.a Östra sjkhs)
After a long wait for test results to come back, what my father and mother feared and I jokingly brushed off as impossible, we were told that I had to stay over. And that one night somehow turned into 3 more as the doctors were unable to find the source of my illness as blood tests, ultrasounds, x-rays and all other test showed nothing. Most tests however I should tell you weren't general tests to see what could be wrong all over my body; they were specified to my kidneys as I have trouble with them since before the doctors seemed to take it for granted it was an infection in one of them.

During the days I stayed at the infection clinic I slept a lot, watched TV, talked on the phone with Rich or my parents to inform them about current health news and got needles stuck into me >__> My high fever also came back a few times a day but they fought it with panodil and antibiotics so I don't freeze to death every time my temperature is going up anymore ^^; I was, to my delight, visited by my friends on Thursday: Sarah (Who also came again today! =D) Kim, Jen and Megan on Thursday after the stress for their National Math's B test had been removed. However, the doctors scheduled my for a X-ray at the same time that they were to arrive which meant that they had to wait for a little less than 2 hours -.- Anyway, I had a really nice time and if I don't thank you guys for taking your time to come over, I thank you now! ^__^;

As I have been wanting nothing more than to come home all week the doctors and nurses decided that I should be allowed to go over the weekend, the catch of course being that I return on Monday morning since it is still unclear what is wrong with me and why it won't go away despite the persistent treatment~~ I still feel very ill and not strong enough to stand up for more than a few minutes but at least my appetite has returned and I actually feel like eating different foods :)

I cut out large chunks of what really happened but this is long enough now =)

With love, Aarti

I'm shutting down. No explanations. No nothing.

Photograph each day so we can live forever. Sit in the light to make the dark a little darker and I dance to move only you and I fight to kiss and make up. I scream for some silence. I laugh to laugh for once, not there so you notice I'm gone and I breathe cuz its neccessary and I sigh when I see the moon. I dream to make sleep less boring.. until there was you and I feel in the absence of heart and I plug my eyes to cry. I'm a hopeless romantic and kicking the habit but all hearts have darts.